The FIRST Annual OnBlast Awards

Awards season is NOT over!

This was a LOOOONG time coming because SOME people don't know how to use the Google it seems. But I digress, The Committe of OnBlast presents: 

The 2011 OnBlast Awards!
Please note that some language may be offensive & some may be funny. Read with caution & an open mind.

Our first category....Sit Down, Trick 

This is for the people we were SO over seeing on our tvs!

Rhianna - she's dyed her hair, she's run her mouth, she's shown her tail... not it's time to take a seat

Amber Rose - I'm sorry, what or who was she before Kanye?

Beyonce - Do you realize she only has like 2 albums. And she wants to claim Icon status???

Sarah Palin - She is everywhere, commenting on everything & knowing NOTHING!

Kim Kardashian - If she gets anymore work done to her face, she'll be on the too much plastic surgery scale somewhere between Joan Rivers & the CAT LADY herself:

And the Winner is..............

Sarah Palin

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Our next category is: Ho...mewrecker 

These are the celebrity garden tools who seem to specialize in busting up a marriage or relationship with the most TERRIBLE of timing & unreasonable of reasons

A Keys - Just because Mashonda claims they're cool now doesn't excuse her parading around with a married man, and engaement ring & a gut full of baby bird, concurrently.

Tigers' Hoes - Who didn't know Tiger was married? other than Tiger... They sold their lil muckity muck souls for some feline attention & some nice gifts.

Fantasia - *sigh* I just hope she & Cooks are happy together, cuz that mess was some MESS!

Jolie - no words needed.

 Tiki Barber - Lost his family & JOB over some young sweet intern-tang. *smh*

And the Winner is.........

A. Keys

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The Next Category is: Splenda Booty
This term is derived from our darling Veronika who uses Sugar Butt as a term of endearment. But these processed posteriors are far from Sugar in The Raw...

 Nikki Minaj

 Angel Lola 

Kim K 

Tiny

And the Winner is: Nikki Minaj

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Next up we have: Aren't Your 15 Mins Up? DAMN! 

 RHOA 

Jersey Shore 

Nikki Minaj 

Cassie 

Amber Rose 

 Reality TV Stars

And the winner is: Reality TV "stars"

Non-competition based reality tv has looooong jumped the shark & most of these "stars" need to now jump the cliff!

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Next up: Thank You For Ruining America, Bxtch 

 This is dedicated to those people & things that have captured so much attention & the minds of so many, that the fiber of our American morality & sensibility is becoming quite immoral & nonsensical!

The Tea Party 

Reality TV 

16 & Pregnant 

Sarah Palin

And the winner is: Reality TV

The fact that bad behavior is now rewarded with thousand dollar offers to host parties & sometimes millions in endorsement deals & spokesperson contracts is just UGH! NO wonder kids don't want to get an education... It appears that stupidity is so much more rewarding.

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Next up we have: Ruined By Fame

Lindsay Lohan - Hollyweird got her goat! She's in too deep & so are her parents!

Kanye West - When he came out with Through the Wire, we thought he had potential. Potential to not only be great but to be kinda cute too. But his fame & ego have gone to his already large dome & now... UGH!

Rhianna - She was a cute kid when she came out, but something happened. A switch was flipped & now she's just all over the place & well on her way to becoming a hot mess!

Kim K & her face - Seriously.... LOOK AT IT!

And the winner is: Lindsay Lohan

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Now we present: Coulda Been 

This category is to some of our faves from back in the day that had so much going for them, but somehow took the wrong turn on the road to fame & ended up notsogreat:

 Foxy Brown - Maybe it was jail that did it to her... Maybe not.

Jodeci - The alcohol did them in. They could possibly still make a comeback, but... 

Biggie - Taken down in his prime. He is among the greatest to ever do it & he wasn't even doing it that long.

Nia Long - Not sure how or why she ended up in the nominations. But maybe that's the problem.

And the winner is...... Jodeci

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This category is dedicated to: DANs 

This is for thse celebs that either CONSTANTLY make DumbAzz decisions or have made one SUPER DUMB decision that have landed them in the spotlight of foolishness.

 TI - Got out of jail, claiming he had changed. Went right back. Grand Opening, Grand Closing.

Keith Washington - Broadcasting a convo between you & the Queen of Soul without her knowledge? Way to get back into the spotlight... of foolishness!

Gilbert Arenas - Can we say Baby Mama Drama & ridiculous decisions galore. When he was traded to Orlando, he stated that he didn't pack a bag or say goodbye to his kids. He just left... WAYTOGO!

DMX - I mean seriously. He has more entries on his rap sheet than he has songs...
Kanye West - Almost everything he does or says is dumb...

Honorable Mention- anyone who don't pay taxes

And the winner is: TI

Come home soon, the game needs you... or some such hood message people send out to career offenders.

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We here at OnBlast LOVES us  some man candy. So now we bring you: Lawdhabmercy 

Idris Elba

TI 

Method Man
Chris Brown

We have a tie: Idris Elba

Whether he is playing an educated drug dealer with a no nonsense attitude or the straight man to michael Scott's wacky management style THIS man has it goin on! And have you heard that accent... yessssssss!

Method Man

Even though he does clean up nice, even with a smushed bush and gold fangs, this man is HOT FIYAH!

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This next award is dedicated to: BANs 

Those of you who are familiar with urban venacular can pretty much figure out what this term stands for, so we won't get into that. But what the term means is those celebs that give off a soft vibe. Not necessarily gay, just some guys we think we could take in hand-to-hand combat.

Terrence Howard
The Dream 

Swizz Beats 

Puffy

And the winner is: Terrence Howard
Mr. Baby Wipes himself. Just the reading of his name evokes the scent Johnson & Johnson baby lotion & pink gloss nail polish. UGH!

*shudders* GRRRROSS!

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Where YOU Been? 

Nia Long - She hasn't done anything major or of note since... hmmm Are We Done Yet?
Lauryn Hill - We Want the OLD Lauryn back.

Chris Tucker - He's only done 10 movies. The last of which was in 2007. Come back, Chris! (just make sure you pay your taxes!)

Lil Kim- Can we put her in a time machine & get her old face back? & then we can send her back out on stage. Please?

GOOD Black Sitcoms- TBS & BET do not GOOD Black sitcoms make.

And the winner is: Lauryn Hill

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Not QUITE Right 

 This is for the ladies whose style we WANT to love, but there is always something that isn't there. And we can't always put our finger on it.

Raven - Congrats on the weight loss, but now it's time for a young hip hot stylist.

Tatyana Ali - If it's not the hair, it's the shoes. If it's not the shoes, it's the neckline. But it is always SOMETHING we just can't dig.

Chrisette Michelle - We love her voice, we love her face, we love HER. But her outfits are meh! more often than not.

Ashanti - Ok we admit, we don't like her. But since Nelly likes her, we try to too. But she is just never "THERE" for us.

The winner is: Raven Symone & Tatyana Ali
These former child stars could benefit from stepping their games up a smidge.

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Million Dollar Baby 

These babies born out of questionable relationships are set for LIFE!

Angel Murphy- Sadl;y, Eddie wouldn't claim her intitially, but Scary Spice straightened that out QUICKLY!

Violet Millian- The Dream is a scuzz. That's all I have to say about that!

Tiger's Cubs - MILLIONS & houses.... MILLIONS & HOUSES... that's it.

Knight Jones - The most disgusting divorce & child support any of us have ever seen! UGH!

Nahla Aubrey - Halle makes sure that Nahla is WELL taken care of & she's just cute as a button.

There's another tie: Knight Jones & Tiger's Cubs

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Wait, Who Are You? 

 These people are everywhere & we're not sure WHERE they came from.
Teyana Taylor
Basketball "Wives"

Rocsi

 The winner is: Basketball Wives

Most of these heffas aren't even MARRIED! BOOOO!

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WTF Happened To You? 

50 Cent has a verse that goes: DAMN, HOMIE! In high school you were the MAN, homie. WTF happened to you? These are those people that used to be IT back in our younger days, but have since fallen all the way off!

Kelly Rowland
Fredie Jackson
Michelle WIlliams
Vivica Fox

Whitney Houston

The winner is: Vivica Fox
The plastic surgery she had done was a fail fail fail. She looked FINE before! Why girl, why?

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OLD BALLZ
This is our term of endearment for those men that are old enough to be our dad's but that still give us FEVER! It was famously used by Adam Sandler in Big Daddy when referring to a young lady's grandfatherly boyfriend.

Delroy Lindo
Dr. J 

Clarke Peters
Peter- RHOA

Peter from RHOA
We all agree he had a little bit of a-hole in him. But that was to be expected with his mix of New Yorker & Caribbean and there was no doubt in our minds that he could lay down the LAW. Nahmean?!?

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Cougar Crush 

 These young men have potential. We would love to hook them up with our nieces!
Diggy Simmons - He has style, he has drive, he has talent & he has the cutest lil face! AWWW!

Justin Combs - He came out of nowhere & one day we realized he was a cute kid and getting some grown man swag.
Tristan Wilds - Michael Lee has grown all the way up!

Romeo Miller - He is no longer LIL Romeo. He is making his way in the world & is a college basketball player. Great job, Master P!

The Winner is: Diggy
He has so much style for a young buck.

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You Need More People 
These people are just not convincing them of their talent, age, happiness, or talent. We don't believe you, you need more people!

Cassie - Puffy wifing you does not a talented singer make!
Jazmine Sullivan - Ummmm. We just aren't sure...
Mariah & Nick- Lucky for us, they have gone somewhere & sat down. But recently their baby shower pics have cropped up & they look EXTRA cheesy.
The Kardashians - Ok seriously, why are you famous!?!? Where were you before Kim & Ray J?

The winner is: Nick & Mariah
We are happy for them, but we hope that their twins: Butterfly & Glitter keep them out of our faces.

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Trying Too Hard 

 These celebs seem to be doing just a bit too much, yet not enough. They should work SMARTER, not HARDER to justify their celebrity.

Cassie
Solange
Ray J
Monica
Ciara
Lala

The winner IS: Ciara

REALLY!?!? All this at a b-ball game??

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Our final category: Mmmmpsss Mmmmpsss Mmmmpsss 

This category is for those male celebs that claim to be hetero but give off a very homosexual vibes. It's named after a member of OnBlast's ex co-workers that would adamantly deny he was gay but always have young men visiting him in the office & claim he had a crush on, in his words: "Jodiessss Fosterssss, mmmmpsss mmmpsss mmmppssss"

 TERRENCE HOWARDSSS 

JOHN LEGENDSSS 

PUFFYSSS 

KANYESSSS 

NEYOSSSSSSSSS

And the FINAL AWARD goes to: Ne-Yossssssssss

THis concludes the First Annual OnBlast Awards... we hope you enjoyed it, we hope you laughed, we hope you were a little bit offended.... We promise to keep it coming.